Adulthood: a labyrinthine path marked by milestones, self-discovery, and yes, the weight of others' expectations.
I've been pondering lately how challenging it must be for everyone, even if they don't openly admit it, to grow up without feeling like they're deceiving others - especially those who have been a constant presence in our lives. It's a curious thing, this notion of "being a grown-up," isn't it?
For me, it struck home a few years back when I realized I had spent a significant chunk of my life constantly worrying about not disappointing others. Always there when someone needed a helping hand, all the while expected to remain the same person I had always been. Yet, simultaneously, I was yearning to evolve into something more.
I recognize that we each have our own unique context, personality, and way of thinking. While some folks might breeze through life without a care for others' opinions or expectations, some of us (hello there!) can't help but feel a twinge of anxiety at the mere thought of shedding preconceived notions and risking not being recognized anymore.
It often feels like it's more about being seen than truly seeing others.
Not that I’m a Zodiac head, but…
I’m not the one who follows any of that zodiac mambo-jambo conversation. But hey, what’s life if not a sequence of coincidences between really random stuff, including planets getting aligned with moons and influencing erratic human behavior?
Opening it up for you here: I’m a child of divorced parents. I’m also a Libra, for what it’s worth: I’m diplomatic, I like to blend in, be balanced and fair.
It also means that it can easily become a hot mess of feelings, self-belief and will, and not wanting to deceive. For the longest time, I found myself bending over backwards to create the perfect harmony in every group—balancing the needs of my parents, family, and friends, often at the expense of my own beliefs and desires. I became the glue that held everyone together, always there to lend a helping hand or a sympathetic ear.
Sounds noble, right? Well, let me tell you, it took a toll. Even now, reflecting on those times feels like revisiting a toxic wasteland. But hey, water under the bridge, right? Now, I'm ready to unpack it all and share my insights. Because let's face it, there are countless shades of anxiety that come with navigating the waters of adulthood.
Family
Growing up in the early days - as in, every day until you actually start your own journey, living on your own - necessarily means daily living with someone’s expectations about you. It’s not just someone, but those who give you your spinal structure of values, education and personality. Because of that, the clash between parental expectations and our own evolving identities can feel like a battle royale.
But here's the thing: despite the clash of expectations, we're still the same people we were before. We carry with us the memories, the lessons, the laughter - the very essence of our childhood selves. Sure, we may have grown taller, wiser, and perhaps a little sassier, but at our core, we're still the sweet and smart individuals our family knows and loves. It’s just that today we’ve grown beyond that as well, dear family members!
Peer pressure and “friends”
Ah, navigating friendships - now there's a tricky one. Chances are, you've collected a crew of friends from your school days, university, or past workplaces. But here's the kicker: it's time to separate the wheat from the chaff and distinguish your true friends from mere acquaintances.
You see, most of those connections from yesteryear are just that - fleeting memories and LinkedIn connections. They may have once known you, laughed with you, and shared moments of camaraderie, but do they really know the person you've become? It's doubtful. Instead, they see you through the hazy lens of nostalgia, clinging to outdated perceptions like a security blanket.
And let's talk about the pressure to conform, shall we? We spend so much of our lives striving to fit into society's mold, to become someone who aligns with the values of the pack. But at what cost? The added anxiety of trying to be someone we're not, all in the name of acceptance - whether it's smoking, drinking, trending, TikToking or adopting other behaviors that don't quite feel like "us."
But here's the thing about friends - they should see beyond the façade and embrace the person you are today. So, dear acquaintance, it's time to peel back the layers and get to know the real me. Ask questions, listen intently, and you might just be surprised by the person you uncover. After all, we're more than just the sum of our past selves - we're ever-evolving beings with stories waiting to be told.
Your job market and wider society
And here we are again. Our job. I remember my early days in the workforce a decade ago, fresh-faced and eager, but feeling like a fish out of water. Being the youngest in the group didn't exactly make blending in a breeze. With zero experience under my belt, it was just me, my personality, and a genuine desire to find my place among my peers.
Fast forward to today, and I've learned a thing or two about the delicate art of fitting in. But at the same time, as I look around, I see two distinct camps. There are those who morph into chameleons, seamlessly blending in with their surroundings like they were born to do it. And then there are the immovable rocks, steadfast in their ways, expecting the world to bend to their will. Meh.
Here's a novel, groundbreaking idea: have you ever tried walking the tightrope between authenticity and adaptation? It’s one or the other, zeros and ones. There are a lot of decimal places in between where you can find your essence, while still teaching others what they must see in you.
Your escape route
The good thing about being humane (one of many, believe me!) is that we are emotionally driven: despite being one body, one existence, the way others perceive us varies wildly based on a multitude of factors. It's a hefty responsibility, ensuring our values shine through consistently, regardless of context. The same individuals must see a similar version of ourselves every time (think family, workplace, your boss, your wife/husband). Coherence can be the key differentiator between someone liking you and really hating you.
However, we're different people every day. For instance, over the last four months, I've undergone subtle changes - not radical, but enough to keep things interesting and that’s at least 120 days of micro-changes. Imagine interacting with someone who's changed that much without truly knowing them. What if you wait years to reconnect with a lost family member? Can you imagine the heavy lift to rebuild that connection?
Here's the simple truth: meaningful human connection isn't rocket science.
Ask. Simple or complex questions, whatever. Just make them meaningful: you can be 100% sure that the one you have in front of you is more than what meets the eye. Even a genuine "How are you, really?" can spark hours of conversation.
Show yourself. No more hiding behind the curtain. You don’t need to be majestically inconvenient with others to show yourself and make them interested in you. You can’t expect others to ask you questions if the only thing you do is show a really blasé canvas of nothing or mimic others’ reactions and beliefs.
I guess what I’m saying with all this ramble is that there will always be more than what the eyes can see. Particularly for those growing up (all of us then) believing that deception is at every corner, showing your true self, and talking about your personal opinions and plans will make it easier for others around you to know you.
Show yourself and be interested in others, ask questions. Hopefully, the one in front of you will give back.
You gotta be constant, to be a constant in others’ life.